Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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