It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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