apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
bring money and cleavage
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
