You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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