dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Randomize
