does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
