I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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