I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
