Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Randomize
