someone threw a dead crab at me
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
