heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
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