Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Randomize
