At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
