My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
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