Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
