I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
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