They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Randomize
