Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
