I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
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