TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
