I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
You smell like stripper and shame
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
