This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
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