He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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