You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
