I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize