i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
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