I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
