haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
We're using joints as your birthday candles
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
