She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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