I want you more than these girls want KFC
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
