I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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