Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
