never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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