Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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