I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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