So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
