chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Randomize
