FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Randomize
