I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize