I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
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