I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
