God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
