My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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