I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
