the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
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