I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize