our cab driver is having phone sex.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Randomize
