drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
i wish my penis had a tongue
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
