My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Randomize
