I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
he fucked my hip out of place.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
