I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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