I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
