there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize