I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
