omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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