Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
