so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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