I thought you said his peep was too small
it is but i have no money and nothing is on tv until 7 when americas next top model comes on.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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